That’s not a common expression, but it should be. Such a simple and potent command, it’s key to change leadership. Not only does it change others, but also changes anyone who lives it. That’s the paradox. At first, it sounds only like advice on how to treat others: acknowledge and reward behavior that you want to occur more frequently in the future. Of course, it means just that. However, relationships are systems; in the attempt to change others, you make yourself a better person too.

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Awareness of Wants

In order to water what you want to grow, you must know what you want. Most people don’t, according to research. At work, about 40% of people move toward what they want. 40% move away from what they don’t want, and 20% have a mixed model. Only people who consistently drive toward benefits have a good idea of what they want. Some people sort of know what they want, and many people focus all their energy and attention on making sure they don’t get what they don’t want.

Imagine that John dislikes being interrupted and being wrong. For John, people who interrupt are rude, and being wrong makes John look bad in front of his team, peers, and boss. John’s language and behavior will match his needs. He will be on the alert for situations and behavior by others that will make him feel badly. If someone interrupts John, or states facts or opinions that contradict John in public, John’s response will be to stop it. John may raise his voice to prevent being interrupted. John may tell the person he is rude. John may yield the floor but quietly judge the other person, creating unspoken resentment and tension. John may shut off listening so that he can think of a clever comeback to belittle the other person. John may even decide to later punish the person with a bad review, fewer opportunities, less enjoyable work, etc.

Instead of watering what he wants to grow, John will be stomping on what he doesn’t want to live. They are not the same thing, especially if you are the one being stomped.

So to become an effective leader, parent, neighbor, or friend, you need clarity about what you want, and you need to focus your mind and behavior in the direction of wants. If you wonder why leadership is stressful for many people, it’s this simple human attribute. People who go through life avoiding what they don’t want are always finding themselves stressed by confrontation—feeling a need to tell other people to stop doing something. That is uncomfortable. It also isn’t the way to win friends and influence people.

Is it tough to switch from “moving away” to “moving toward” behavior? Yes it takes time to build new habits, and it’s worth it.

Changing your motivational strategy changes your life. Few people reach success by avoiding failure. One reason is obvious; avoiding your way to success is as effective as driving forward by looking in the rearview mirror. Second, there’s a difference in the timing and intensity of motivation.

For avoiders, motivation peaks when they are close to what they don’t want, and motivation diminishes the further away they go (and the closer to success that they come). For seekers, motivation builds the closer they come to success. They persist. In life, focus and persistence pays off.

Awareness of the Moment

Assuming you know what you want, then in order to reward another’s behavior, you must become more conscious of the moment. What are others doing now? Are they doing what you want? If so, how are you going to water it immediately?

You can’t sleepwalk through life. When your child tells you the truth, even when it’s not exactly thrilling information, you need to be aware that you want the truth and that you are hearing the truth. For example, when your youngest tells you he slid a piggy bank’s worth of quarters inside the DVD player, you can go to “stop” (anger), or you can “water it” (appreciation).

You need self-awareness to respond appropriately.

Power to Choose

Can you choose, or do you react uncontrollably?

Sales numbers down, do you automatically “lose it”? You might be thinking, what’s so bad about that? By yelling, they know what I hate, and they will do anything to avoid my wrath. Don’t I want that?

In the short run, yelling gets you what you want. People will be motivated to avoid your anger. In the long run, people will be motivated to avoid your anger, but like taking prescription drugs, there’s the list of 50 side effects in small print that you also get. Those side effects take you down in two ways.

First, you never learn of the side effects. People aren’t going to tell you they are fudging numbers, stealing from one another, sabotaging future sales to make numbers this year, etc. You’re the yeller. People don’t tell the yeller the truth.

Second, you are training people to be avoiders instead of drivers. You are weakening their motivation toward success. You are diminishing their focus on the goals. People will scramble to do the minimum to avoid your wrath, but they won’t be doing amazing things to achieve greatness for themselves and the company.

So if you are compelled to yell, you have an excuse, but you don’t have power. The power to choose your own thoughts and behavior is a major breakthrough in life. Unhappy people are victims of their impulses. Unhappy people only have rapport with other unhappy people.

In order to water what you want to grow, you need to achieve enough emotional IQ to choose your response.

Modeling

If you want to water what you want to grow, you must model the behavior you want to see in others. Many leaders talk a good game and put up plaques on walls about values, but when it comes to their own behavior, they fail the test. It’s always a test. People observe leaders closely.

People learn the difference between reality and platitudes quickly. If you say, we trust employees but you’re monitoring their every keystroke, you aren’t being consistent; you aren’t modeling how others should behave. So what? Well there’s a good chance that you want people to be truthful. You want trust. If you don’t model what you want to grow, you are likely stomping on and killing another important behavior.

“Be the change that you want to see in the world.” Mohandas Gandhi

Hierarchy of Values

Knowing what you want isn’t enough, you need to know and choose your hierarchy of values. If your company promotes both customer service and maximizing profits, you need to know which comes first. Is honesty or loyalty more important? Fun or efficiency?

You have a hierarchy in mind, and so does each person in the company. Is there alignment? If you compete on price, efficiency should be more important than fun. If you compete on innovation, fun should be more important than efficiency. No fun, no creativity, no innovation. Function also matters. Marketing and sales should be more fun than accounting.

To water what you want to grow, you must have deep clarity about your hierarchy.

Judgment Free

People have a tendency to simplify the world. They make judgments based on experiences, and these judgments become generalizations. The challenge is releasing judgments and generalizations and dealing with only the behavior that is before you.

Suppose David thinks Bob is rude because Bob frequently talks about people behind their back. Basically, David doesn’t like Bob. The next time Bob does something David wants to grow, David will likely miss it, because David is seeing Bob through a negative filter.

Worse, judgments completely block seeing the absence of bad behavior. Suppose Bob has a conversation, and he doesn’t trash talk anyone. David needs to notice what wasn’t said, and to let Bob know that he appreciates Bob’s improvement. However, once people make judgments about people, such as "Bob is rude", the absence of the rude behavior goes unnoticed.

This phenomenon takes place in families all the time. Imagine a husband with a drinking problem. He often sneaks drinks from a hidden stash. If he stops drinking, everyone assumes he’s still doing it. If he says he’s been sober for a month, no one believes him. Every attempt by the husband to improve is ignored, and every opportunity to influence his future behavior is lost.

Leaders who water what they want to grow have short memories and always remain optimistic that people can and do change.

Becoming a Communicator

Talking to plants is strange, but telling people you are watering them is sensible. The way you water is with words and emotions. Situations can be ambiguous. It’s a good idea to clarify what exactly you want in the future. Every watering event is a teaching moment.

For example, “Thank you Mary for pointing out my error. Everyone makes mistakes, but when we work as a team, we collectively are better than any one of us can be as individuals. It’s important that we do whatever we can to work together to find and remove errors from everything we do.”

You don’t even have to wait for the behavior to occur, to influence people’s future behavior. One charming management consultant would tell her clients exactly what she loved them to do. For example, “I just love it when you tell me there’s a problem right away. You don’t hesitate; you call me, so that I can help immediately.” Then she would move closer, touch his arm, look deeply into his eyes and smile. Do you think he remembered to call her? You bet. And do you think she thanked him deeply when he called with a problem? Right again.

Good gardeners are good communicators.

Conclusions

Water what you want to grow.

1. Become aware of your wants
2. Learn to move toward your wants
3. Become more aware of yourself and others in the moment
4. Develop the ability to choose your thoughts and behavior
5. Model for others what you want them to do
6. Get clear about your value hierarchy and the context of behavior
7. Let go of judgments, stay optimistic
8. Define the moment, be clear you are rewarding and why.
9. Prompt for the behavior you want, to increase the odds you have behavior to water in the future.

The best benefit of all? You will be changed as well as become the change.

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Michael Cushman, The Engaging Guru, wants you to master enrolling others in your truth, get the goodies of life, and change the world.  www.engagingchange.com