I am often asked, “How do I change my boss?”

Is it possible to change a yelling or controlling boss who drives you crazy?

Years ago, I went to a large firm, not to lead a project, but to support James, a colleague, on his first management assignment. This assignment had a few twists. First, the project was politically charged and second, my role was a secret.

Robert was the current manager and he had recently joined the firm coming from a competitor. The policy of the firm was to deliver results by strictly adhering to the contract. Even the slightest change in scope required an authorized change request. Robert’s style was slick and accommodating: he ignored the contract and did whatever made the client happy. This was a mismatch made in hell. Robert felt proud of his client management skills, while his superiors imagined a lawsuit in their future. James and I arrived to “help” execute the project, but we both knew that as soon as we had developed a relationship with the client, Robert’s career at the firm was over.

James replaced Robert. I officially worked for James, but my other role was to ensure project success and to informally coach James through his first leadership position. James never knew I was in constant contact with our supervisors.

I was in the role of coaching my boss, without his knowledge.

Second, my official role on the project put me under the direction of a low-level client manager named Janet. She had 20 years of quality assurance experience and she loved details. She was a perfectionist. Under Janet’s direction, my deliverables languished in an endless cycle of perfecting. Everything I submitted was returned with requests for improvements. None of the changes added economic value. Her desire for perfection blinded her judgment and drove me crazy!

I typically worked with pragmatic executives. Janet’s inability to understand that she was wasting her time, my time AND company’s money drove me to seek advice from a therapist/consultant friend, Connie. I whined for several minutes and then begged Connie for help, “What can I do to change Janet?”

After about 10 seconds of silence, Connie asked, “Do you have a positive relationship with Janet?”

I said, “No”.

Connie replies, “Then you can’t change your situation”, followed by more silence.

I knew she was right. Oh I hated hearing that sage advice.

It was so much more fun whining, complaining, being a victim, judging and being self-righteous.

It took awhile to accept, but it's so true: You can’t change your boss without a positive relationship.

I took Janet out to lunch and we talked quality assurance. The name Howard Rubin came up, one of her favorite quality speakers and authors. Turns out, I had a Howard connection. Several of the people in my practice previously worked with Howard, and he was on retainer to our group. I previously had acquired research data from Mr. Rubin, and I received his expensive newsletter each month.

After I filled her in, Janet bubbled with excitement. I asked if she would like me to forward the last six months of Howard’s newsletter to her email. Janet, the QA queen, grinned like Lewis Carroll’s Cheshire Cat.

From that moment on, I went from grunt to admired consultant. Equally so, my feelings for Janet warmed as I learned about her family and interests outside of work.

Within a week, all my deliverables were approved and I focused on helping my colleague James make an unusual decision that saved our company’s reputation.

I couldn’t have influenced Janet or James without a strong positive relationship.

Do you have a difficult boss who needs a change?

Then change your relationship for a change.

Letting in fresh air is the first and most important change you can make.

For more thoughts on the topic of bosses, read, Why I've Learned to Love Bosses Who Yell

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Michael Cushman, The Engaging Guru, wants you to master enrolling others in your truth, get the goodies of life, and change the world.  www.engagingchange.com